Losing our Baby

2 months ago today our world was falling apart.  We were happy, pregnant parents of a healthy baby that was 10 weeks old.  To some of you I know that doesn’t sound like much but to all you mothers out there you know each week and especially each day after that first photos of your baby you feel that you know them.  You love them more than you ever knew possible.  And then the symptoms start, your doctor reassures you everything is fine but to come on in and as you get there your nightmare begins.

I will never forget that day.  Fighting back tears as I drove to his office.  Anthony was meeting me there and I was praying each second of that trip.  Begging God to let us have a healthy baby.  Knowing He is in control but also knowing we want a healthy baby.  And as we sat in the waiting room which seemed like an eternity we finally went back with the doctor and our story for this little one came to a crashing halt when we were told there was no longer a heart beat.  I tried the best I could to lay still so they could get a photo of our baby.  I knew it would be our last so I wanted to be still so he could get a good one but the tears wouldn’t stop and my body was shaking.  The tears still ring true even as I type this.  Our doctor cried with us knowing at our first appointment he had just seen a healthy baby and this didn’t make sense.  Lots of women have a little cramping and light bleeding with healthy babies but that was not our story.

We gathered our things and headed home.  I could barely see the road as I called and told my Mom.  I just told her our sweet baby had just gone home to be with the Jesus.  And all I can remember is her crying and just saying over and over I’m so sorry.  Anthony’s parents came up that night and my family the day after.  I don’t know that I have ever cried as hard as I did that entire day.  We loved our baby and were making plans and dreaming that January couldn’t get here soon enough so we could meet our little one.  I know we will see our baby again one day.  And that is the only thing that makes it easier. There are times at night Anthony will find me crying myself to sleep because when the stillness of the night draws near and my thoughts start to race as my head hits the pillow, many nights, I just ask Jesus to say hi to our little one and hold our baby tight for us.  And I know He does. I can picture it.

One day we’ll be brave enough to try again.  But until then I am just trying to get my body healthy and help heal my heart at little.  As well as eating lots of sandwiches, sushi and drinking dr. pepper… things I wouldn’t let myself do while I was pregnant.  Only God knows the rest of our journey.  I’m trying to fight off worry and just take it one day at a time.  He knows the outcome and I know I can’t control it.  High hopes for another baby one day.  To all you Mom’s out there, be thankful for the kiddos you’ve got.  I’m sure they drive you crazy at times but don’t forget they are walking miracles.  And to all of you Moms who’ve never had a change to meet your baby, you are still a Mom and one day I know we’ll get to hold our precious babies again!  Hang in there.

 

Starbucks lady, thank you

The last couple of weeks have been hard.  Work has been crazy, my emotions are all over the place and we just miss having our baby growing inside me.  I’ve been looking forward to Saturday since Monday just to have a chance to unwind.

This morning couldn’t have been more perfect.  My husband had gone fishing with a friend and I went to redbox to get a movie from a free promo code I had found DVDONME if you want to try it.  I got a few movies then went to Starbucks to grab a chai tea latte that I had longed for for the last 3 months (i was going caffeine free during pregnancy) and breakfast cake.  I had a free coupon I had just gotten in the mail last week but for the life of me, I couldn’t find it at home. My husband doesn’t like clutter so it might have gotten thrown out with the mail. He wasn’t there to ask so I just asked the lady at the register if the coupon was connected to my rewards card so she could look it up.  She said no, but coffee was on the house.  WHAT?!?!?  Free, I asked and she said yup what would you like?  I was floored.  I have no idea why she wanted to be nice to me.  Maybe it was because I was still in my pajamas and probably looked like I needed it.  None the less, I only wish I could tell her this was the first starbucks drink I had since finding out we were pregnant.  I had longed for this drink for 3 months.  I wish I could tell her this was so much more than just a free drink to me, I wish I could hug her neck, but I just said a huge thank you and knew if I said much more I would burst into tears.  This has been the hardest two weeks after losing our sweet baby due to miscarriage.  God whispers sometimes and you’ll miss it if you’re not paying attention.  Today I knew no one else would know how special that was but Him.  Not many people even knew we were pregnant especially not the lady behind the register.  I want more than anything to have my baby back but that’s not the story that played out for us.

I see people differently now, I’m sure many of us are walking around with huge weights on our shoulders that no one even knows.  Something so simple like the lady this morning can make all the difference just by being nice when your whole world has fallen apart.  To top it all off as soon as I pulled in my driveway back home, my husband’s friend Chad sent me a video of Anthony catching the biggest fish I had seen in the lake.  Now tell me God doesn’t know how to brighten your day with only things he knows you care about.  I sat in my car and cried.  Cried thanking him for not leaving us while we are hurting, thanking him for coffee and the big fish because those things are important to us and knowing only He could do something like that on a day where we both needed it.

Today is a good day.  And I’m going to try to remember that when tomorrow might not be so bright.

 

Writing memories

I haven’t really told many people about my blog.  Partly because I like writing what I want and not feeling like I’m writing for someone in particular reading. Also I never want people to think I’m bragging.  For ME I want to remember these stories of mishaps and adventures of my life.  I feel beyond blessed by the things I have had opportunities to do and I never want to take that for granted or forget even the simple things God has given me.  I am still young but for some reason I feel like I’m losing my memory.  Not the kind where you forget things that are normal but the kind where you can’t even remember what to call something you’ve seen and known all your life like a purse or towel.  I’m not really sure what is going on but hopefully the doctors can figure it out.  Until then, I want to capture moments of my life today, dreams for the future and adventures from my past.

 

And that’s a wrap!

Traveling for work is really fun but today is my last day for this tour.  It’s been really fun, but I’m beyond excited to be home.  To eat normal food. Not pop tarts for breakfast just because they are easy to pack.  To sleep in my own bed.  To wash clothes and not haul my luggage everywhere.  To work at my desk and have more meetings with my clients.  I will be thrilled to travel again soon but I am very thankful for a break for the summer.  Hopefully I’ll pick up some fill in dates but for now I’m excited to be going home!

 

Coin Toss

Sometimes i wish answers could be as easy as a coin toss. How do you know what in the heck God is telling you when so many times i think he is so close trying to tell me to stop trying to figure it out. i think i’m so scared that i’m going to mess it up. I know in my life He usually leads me one step at a time only letting me see that next step – but not until i’ve already stepped. Then finally after much of a journey it’s like i’m standing in an open field finally understanding why he was trying to bring me to that place. I have no idea if that make sense….one time I was hiking in Yosemite national park and saw the most beautiful waterfall. Of course i wanted to take a million pictures and stay there forever looking at it….i came there to see what i wanted to see so i didn’t really care to move on but as i sat there in awe of what was before me, i felt something inside me saying to keep going to see if there was anything else on the other side. So we began to hike further and further up – when we finally got as far as we could go i was blown away! I was actually standing right beside the waterfall i had just admired for so long from afar – i didn’t think it could have gotten any better but now i’m being soaked by this enormous waterfall that had the most beautiful rainbow you could imagine stretching across it. i smiled to myself and thought wow this is so much a part of my life. i’m ok to watch from a distance and admire things from afar and be ok that things are good but when it’s worth the risk and pain that’s where we usually see the most glorious outcomes. My life’s journey is a day to day choice. i’m amazed at the chapters that have already been written and excited at what lies ahead. i guess in all of this i’m trying to tell myself to not use all of my pictures at the bottom of the hill when i haven’t even seen the most amazing part yet. the only trick to the journey is that there are never any guarantees up ahead.

 

Chats from the Ladies Locker room

So Alexis and I went to work out on our lunch break today…. The place was packed today! As we went to the locker room there were all these old women. But there was this one group that was beside us that were really loud and funny. As we’re getting ready, I heard them start talking about men. This one lady who was closest to us kept mentioning an old football player and how he didn’t look anything like he use to in his young age. I was highly amused ease dropping into their conversations. Probably because when she didn’t get the reaction she was looking for she told the story all over again. She then looked to us and said ladies – just to let you know don’t marry a man for looks…even the really cute ones always end up looking the same. The handsome football player now looks like all the other old men and don’t marry a guy who plays football all they do is complain about their old sports injuries. I guess it’s a good thing i like baseball players 😉 So ladies…. there’s your 2 cents for today from the 70 year old ladies in the locker room. I think this is probably one story you had to be there to appreciate. Trust me it was really funny at the time!

 

Embarrassing Moment

I don’t get embarrassed or at least not very easily. BUT let’s just count this moment down this morning as one of my few. I went to Panera to work for a bit. It had been raining pretty hard this morning and still was but I found a great parking spot right out front. It must be my lucky day :0) I grabbed my bag and my computer walk over the grassy little hill and almost busted on the slippery mud. Just as I’m thinking wow that’s really slippery I hope someone doesn’t slip… before I could get the thought out of my head i found myself on the ground! Feet covered in mud. I am in shock. Oh geez did that really just happen?!?!? I get up, feet all covered in mud, I splash them off in a puddle near by, and walk into restaurant. Of course as I walk in all heads turn and give me a pitiful look. I hold my head high walk to the bathroom to get the rest of the mud off of me. When I walked back there were no seats in the back so I had to make my way to the very front by the glass windows were all of this has just been on display! I walk in heads turn with their sympathy smiles. And as I’m walking to my seat I couldn’t help but laugh to myself thinking wow I would be doubled over laughing if I had just seen someone slip and slide and fall down right in front of me. Moral of the story…. when it rains don’t walk in the grass just go ahead and splash around in the puddles on the road!

 

Home Sweet Home

The things you don’t think to miss but…. you really love about Texas.
I’m in Austin this weekend for work but I couldn’t help but remember how much i love seeing everyone drive a huge truck or suv and they all drive crazy. Feels like home 🙂 brings back many memories. I can’t wait to get tex mex for lunch or dinner tomorrow night! If you don’t know what i’m talking about then you really are missing out. it’s amazing americanized mexican food. you should try it some day when you take a little road trip. uhhum… yea ruthie and a few other of you if you are reading this seriously we’ve got to make a road trip here soon! people here are really friendly… well unless you are trying to find a parking space but other than that if you get here everyone talks to you. i even had a man in the elevator ask if he could take a drink of my coffee… i think his was a little drunk! My hotel is much nicer tonight. Crazy story from last night but let’s just say neon lights on a hotel is never a good sign just turn your car around and find a trusty place really fast.

 

A Masterpiece that always changes through a 3ft window

I can..t help but be amazed every time I fly. I fly often but the magnitude of what I see out of the window leaves a smile on my face until we are well in the clouds. This morning was another one of those times.. after the hectic airport at LAX we were finally on the run way and as the fog disappeared we darted off. The captain flew over the beach and out over the ocean to loop around and then head east. This made my morning. There are a few ways to my heart, and the ocean is one of them! I love it.. I don..t know how I ended up being such a beach girl because we all know there wasn..t a beach around where I grew up. I do hope to one day live near one!

I think I..m in Arizona now because all I can see is desert below. Southwest is always interesting when you fly. In some ways I can appreciate it but in others it..s just really weird. The captain started out the flight by singing us a little ditty.. yes that would be the first. The pilot sang us a song about sleeping. Although my eyes are groggy and I can barely hold them open there..s a little kid behind me halfway humming and halfway singing twinkle twinkle little star. I think he..s on his third round of the song. The first round was cute but I..m hoping he picks a new song soon. Not that I mind twinkle twinkle.. it..s actually the only song I know how to play on the piano but the way he is singing it is shrilling so it..s not as entertaining as I..d hoped.

If my laptop battery holds up I..ll fill you in on the rest of the flight towards the end of the trip.

 

Love Well

Happy Valentines Day 🙂

Live and Love Well….I think we go through life and get caught up in the everyday craziness and forget to live and love well. We only have one chance to write the pages that are of today. We have the power to influence people’s mood or perception. It’s a treasure that shouldn’t be taken advantage.

A few of years ago on Valentines Day my mom was diagnosed with cancer…a day of love so quickly turned to a day of devastation and fear. A million thoughts ran through my mind that day….did she know how much i loved her, i don’t even know all the stories of her life, it’s not fare i need her, i remember my mind racing but i had no control of anything. After almost a year of visiting the doctor and surgeries she is now cancer free.

Don’t forget to stop today and look around you at your friends and family and ask yourself the question do i live and love well? Happy Valentines day…I hope this day makes you smile.